The Discomfort of Disconnection: When Actions and Words Don’t Align

Here’s We all have those people in our lives—the ones who seem perfectly cordial and warm in one context, yet strangely distant in another. You engage in pleasant conversations on the phone, share thoughtful messages, and maybe even exchange a few laughs. Yet, when you meet them face-to-face, it’s as if a switch has flipped. The warmth evaporates, and you’re left standing there, wondering what just happened.

I’ve encountered this puzzling behavior in my own life. Some people are happy to engage over calls and messages, turn cold or disinterested when we meet in person. Time and again, I’ve been greeted with aloofness in places where casual interactions are expected—parks, social gatherings, common spaces. It’s left me confused and questioning the nature of these relationships.

The Emotional Tug-of-War

The inconsistency in behavior can create an emotional tug-of-war. Part of you may feel inclined to address it directly, while another part wonders if perhaps you’re overreacting. You may even find yourself replaying the interactions, searching for reasons why someone would act so differently when in your presence.

As humans, we naturally seek coherence in relationships. When someone’s actions don’t match their words, it disrupts the equilibrium. It’s human nature to want to understand why this is happening, especially if you value the relationship. However, it’s important to remember that everyone communicates differently, and for some, in-person interactions may feel more vulnerable or overwhelming than virtual ones.

Navigating the Complexity

So, what do you do when you find yourself in this kind of situation?

1. Don’t Take It Personally

This is easier said than done, but it’s key. Often, how people behave has more to do with what’s going on inside them than anything you’ve done. They may struggle with social anxiety, feel overwhelmed, or even be dealing with personal issues that affect their ability to engage in real time. While it’s difficult to not take this behavior to heart, recognizing that it’s not a reflection of your worth can help alleviate some of the emotional burden.

2. Trust Your Instincts

If something feels off, it probably is. There’s no need to gaslight yourself into believing you’re imagining things. Trust your instincts, but don’t jump to conclusions. Take the time to notice if the behavior is a one-time occurrence or a pattern. If it consistently happens in similar contexts, then it’s likely not just a coincidence.

3. Communicate (If You Feel Compelled)

I attempted this once with these individuals. I addressed how I felt and asked if there was something that caused the shift in their demeanor. Their response? It was merely a misunderstanding on my part, and they were just “busy” when I saw them in person. While this gave me some initial relief, the same pattern continued to unfold.

It’s important to weigh whether communication will genuinely help the situation. If you feel that bringing it up will lead to constructive change or a better understanding, go ahead. However, if you sense that the other party isn’t ready or willing to engage in such a conversation, it may not lead to the clarity you seek.

4. Redefine Your Boundaries

After multiple instances of encountering this behavior, I chose to redefine my relationship with these individuals. I still engage with them politely when necessary, but I no longer make the effort to deepen a connection that feels one-sided. Protecting your emotional well-being means recognizing when to let go of relationships that don’t feel reciprocal or nourishing.

5. Let Go of the Need for Validation

One of the hardest lessons to learn is that not everyone will meet us with the same energy we bring to the table. And that’s okay. Some relationships serve their purpose in specific contexts and may never evolve beyond that. What’s important is that you let go of the need for validation from those who don’t consistently show up for you. True, meaningful connections won’t leave you questioning your worth or your place in someone’s life.

Moving Forward With Grace

As a life coach, I’ve come to understand that not all relationships are meant to be deeply fulfilling. Some people will only play a peripheral role in your life, and it’s perfectly fine to let those relationships exist without pushing for more. Accepting the limitations of certain connections allows you to focus your energy on the relationships that truly matter—those where both parties show up authentically, whether online or offline.

If you ever find yourself in a situation like this, remember to honor your feelings and trust your intuition. Not everyone will fit into the box of what you want a relationship to be, and that’s okay. What matters most is how you show up for yourself and where you choose to invest your emotional energy.